So here you are at a major crossroads in your life, entering a new creative era as a songwriter. Everything looks shiny and new. You feel transformed! You feel redeemed! You feel reborn!
And, unfortunately, you’re the only person excited about it. Responses from your social group range from positive-yet-mild—“That’s nice, dear”—to blatantly cynical and hurtful. What the hell is wrong with everybody? What’s with the light, polite, hollow applause? What’s going on here?
I can think of a few possibilities. For example:
They Don’t Want You to Change.
Unless they directly benefit from these changes, that is. If you strike out on this difficult, time-consuming road, you’ll have less time to spend with them, especially if you’ve got a day job or two. They might think you’re chasing pipe dreams and neglecting them for nothing. They might also be afraid that you’ll succeed beyond their wildest dreams. Either way, it’s always possible that a gap will form between you.
You might try setting boundaries if you encounter problems in your family life: maybe you can vow not to touch the guitar or piano from the time you get home from work until after the kids are asleep, for example. Maybe you could stay up for one hour more (or get up an hour earlier) than everybody else, sneaking off to a quiet corner of the house to write and softly sound chords.
But if someone in your life just seems to have a real grudge against the art itself, you also may have to face the reality that
They Don’t Respect Your Dream.
One example of this was years ago, when I told a close friend of mine that I wanted to be a singer-songwriter. I was excited and nervous and new to everything—very vulnerable at that time and in need of support. Their response?
“Too bad they’re a dime a dozen.”
What a cold, callous answer. I was pissed.
Then, worse yet, a guest in my own home once told me:
“Shut up, you can’t sing.”
Ouch.
Fortunately I ignored them both and continued my hard work, as I recommend you do.
If you’re being trashed on, it’s understandable that you would be upset. But if you need constant, close attention and praise from other people just to feel good about your own efforts, there’s the possibility that
You Are Too Damn Needy.
Grow some backbone. Other people have busy lives, too… and dreams of their own. They may not have time or inclination to hang on your every word. That doesn’t mean they’re neglecting you–that means they’re focused on their own interests, problems, and routines. Keep in mind that although you experience this new direction intensely, it is not apparent to others. It’s an internal victory, not a public one. Keep your secrets for now; soon enough you’ll have songs to show, and then perhaps you’ll get a livelier response.
It’s possible that the kind of music that you work so hard to make just doesn’t appeal to them. Sad but common. It’s silly to be offended—if a particular genre just doesn’t suit somebody’s taste, there’s not much to be done about it.
The Perspective Gap
Remember also that, while you may feel that creativity oozes from your very pores, others don’t spend their days spying through your windows with binoculars (hopefully). They don’t see most of the blood you pour into this pursuit, and they probably can’t sense what you feel are earth-shaking seismic shifts in your mind and spirit.
You can—and absolutely should—enjoy the process even when it’s torturous. But be aware that most people don’t understand the mechanics of songwriting and thus may not be particularly enthralled to hear about your fourteen-hour songwriting Odyssey that resulted in one verse (even though it’s a great verse, damn it). Since they don’t understand the process, they’ll judge you by the results—the finished recording, the record deal, the loyal online fan club. If you want friends who appreciate your process, join a local writer’s circle. If there isn’t one yet, you can start one. But most importantly…
Be Your Own Support.
The best way to survive lack of outside support is to be secure and self-contained in the first place. We all need love and support from other human beings, but part of becoming a self-motivated and disciplined artist of any kind is the ability to take a few lumps and still go right back to the piano.
If you can get to work daily regardless of your emotional state, you are strong indeed, and nothing will stop you.
Still might feel good to grumble a little bit, though. Comment on this post with any less-than-inspiring encounters you’ve survived, and–optionally–tell us what got you through it.
For more on this topic, check out 5 More Ways to Deal with Unsupportive Friends.
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About Nicholas Tozier
hey Nick
I enjoyed reading this. you are a good writer. keep up with it.
It’s like this in the art world too Nick….When’s your next live performance?
Nick,
I think your article on “Unsupportive Friends” is fabulous…spot on! You offer 5 different perspectives…good ways to keep one’s self in check…Great Job!
Thanks Karen! I think everyone experiences some degree of that. Pleased to make your acquaintance; I like you and my father’s work!
Hi Nicholas,
I found this article by chance, and I am glad I did.
I have had some similar experiences each time I broaden my horizon both re. my creativity and personal achievement in general, a sort of “change back” response.
Grew my skin thicker as a result, but saddened me at times.
Good to know it’s more common perhaps, helps me to not take it personally.
Thank you for a very good post, good read!
y ;^)
Hi Yuko!
Really glad you happened upon this article.
Unfortunately, most creative types run into this kind of discouragement. Stay strong and keep creating, at all costs. The work pictured on your website is beautiful!
I grew up in a household where music was always something I loved, relied on, and was very passionate about even from a very young age. Though when I tried to make the stuff myself I would often be met with the common yet rather disheartening “Don’t quit your daylight job” or other slight remarks all the way down to the worst of the worst, “What the hell is that? That’s not even singing.” [my father and I do not see things in the same light all too often].
So I gave up. For a long time I stopped trying, or caring. I learned a bit of guitar since I was at least “bearable” at that. I forgot most of that guitar stuff after I had to sell all of my equipment to pay rent a few years back after I had moved out of my parents’ house. Earlier this year I started picking a cheap (but very amazing) Takamine Jasmine up from Amazon and messing around with it. I then realized that the major I was in for school was all wrong… that I still want to do the thing that I have wanted to since I was a child. Give back to others what music has given to me.
When I started this plight, I had a few friends be supportive and a few of them uhm… well, lets say it like this. I was messing around learning some covers by my favorite musician and the people over at my place at the time said something to the effect of, “You’re getting better at guitar… but you do know you can’t sing, right?”
And there went that mental state for several days.
Though I kept pushing through since it’s what I love doing. I may not have a 50 octave range or be pitch perfect, but slowly I became more comfortable with my own voice and learned how to manipulate it better and better. Music [or any creative form] is a process of becoming comfortable with frustrations, no matter how they manifest themselves. If you see things through to the other side, you will most definitely be a better person for it.
Keep writing.
Love,
Glockypaws, Singer/Songwriter of The Abstract Virtues
What an amazing article! Such insight! And it applies to other types of creative art as well. I’m not a songwriter, but a novelist. A few days ago, I announced the publication of my novel, which I’d worked on around the clock for the past year. To my shock, after I announced the publication on Facebook, I received one comment and three likes. I don’t need constant praise, but I was hurt about the lack of response from family and close friends at this pivotal moment in my life. I kept wondering why they’re so silent. I didn’t buy that they didn’t see the post as many of them are heavy-duty FB users who quickly respond to anything I post. I began to wonder if there was something wrong with my novel. You’ve provided several feasible explanations. Thank you for sharing it.